Southwest Airlines makes humor a high
priority. Here are some
actual humorous statements by airline flight
crews:
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is
shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where
it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there
I
can`t imagine."
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make
sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section
on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight
crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the
airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p
lane immediately."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."
"If you
are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."
Flight
attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and
if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out
in
public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now
which one you love more."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults ac
ting like children."
Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants
in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
At the end of a flight:
"Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with
trash receptacles for any garbage you might
have
or anything else
that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to
a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As you exit the plane,
please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Pl
ease do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the
plane must clean it."
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the publi c address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you".
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREW THE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"
An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, "Viva la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, "Lord forgive me for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, "Well guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, land- ed on my dog , and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning , I farted and my whole house blew up!"
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
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Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the publi c address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you".
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREW THE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"
An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, "Viva la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, "Lord forgive me for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, "Well guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, land- ed on my dog , and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning , I farted and my whole house blew up!"
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
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