A prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why,
yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes,
I know him."
At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you
asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt!"
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.
Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
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Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.
Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
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